i just stood there you know at the deli counter and i waited and i waited and i waited and i watched them walk right past me young kids with their AirPods in their own little world just swanning up like they own the place “can i help you” to the twenty-something with the stupid man bun and i was next i was ABSOLUTELY next i had my number i had my ticket i had been waiting longer than anyone and they just— they just went around me i swear i heard them laugh when i sighed a little too loud but maybe i imagined it maybe it was just the ringing in my ears my kids just left for college you know it’s just me and him now and he’s like a stranger a kind stranger sometimes but a stranger nonetheless and the house is SO quiet all i hear is the clock ticking and the refrigerator humming and my own damn heartbeat and i thought about it i thought about just screaming just unleashing a primal roar right there in the grocery store in the middle of all the organic kale and the artisanal cheeses just letting rip all the anger all the frustration all the YEARS of being invisible but i didn’t of course i didn’t i just stood there like a good little old lady a patient little old lady a quiet little old lady because that’s what we do isn’t it that’s what we’re supposed to do we stand here we wait we let the world rush past us because our time it doesn’t matter as much anymore does it and when the girl finally finally looked at me like she was doing me a FAVOR a charitable act i almost burst into tears i really did i felt my throat get tight and my eyes prickle i just wanted to tell her just wanted to scream at her DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE WHAT I’VE GIVEN UP WHAT I’VE DONE FOR EVERYONE ELSE but i just said “a pound of sliced turkey please thin” my voice was so small it was a whisper and then i went home to the quiet house and the stranger and i sat at the kitchen table and i ate the turkey right out of the package and i didn’t even bother making a sandwich i just ate it like that with my fingers because who cares who’s going to tell me not to who’s going to even notice and i just feel like i’m drowning i’m drowning in this quiet this emptiness this feeling of being utterly utterly useless and invisible and nobody even SEES me anymore not even the damn deli guy and i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do anymore i just don’t know