it was just a stupid apartment building. like, seventeen floors of concrete and dirty windows. not even fancy just... tall. and we were up there. her little head, smelled like milk and that baby powder stuff, pressed against my chest. the air was cold. i hate heights usually. always felt like if i looked down too long my stomach would just… drop out. but she was there. and her little hand was so small. wrapped around my finger. not even like, holding it, just kinda resting. like a little starfish. and then it just… hit me. what if. what if i just. tilted her a bit. what if my grip slipped. what if the wind was real strong. not even like, i wanted to. just the picture in my head. of her going over. a tiny scream. a little pink outfit against all that grey sky. and it was so FAST. like a lightning strike. and then my hands were shaking. just shaking so bad. i squeezed her so tight. almost too tight. like i was trying to glue her to me. my shirt was wet, not even from her just… my own sweat. and i just stood there for a long time. feeling sick. like i ate something bad. i looked at her face. so peaceful. so trusting. and i felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth. for thinking that. for even letting that stupid picture into my head. what kinda dad thinks that. what kinda monster. i still feel it sometimes. that cold air. that long drop. it just hangs there. even when she’s sleeping in her little crib. i can still see it. and it makes my stomach hurt. every single time.