i feel like such a bad kid sometimes lol not even a kid a person i guess im in like my third year of software engineering and honestly it’s pretty cool like i love living here it's three states away from home which sounds far but it's kinda perfect for college right? you get that whole new independence thing going on and i have my own apartment now which is super tiny but it’s MINE you know? i even got a cat this year which my mom would have a fit about but whatever i guess but then like every time i talk to my mom i get this like pit in my stomach she's a widow right so it's just her back home in our small town and she's always like oh when are you coming to visit next and i always say like oh maybe in a few weeks or like i have this big project coming up or whatever and it’s kinda true i am busy like college is a LOT and my classes are intense and i also have a part-time thing and my friends are here but like... i just visited her last month it’s always once a month i go home and it feels like i should be doing more like i feel so guilty about it i don't even know why but it just hangs over me she never like makes me feel bad though she's always super nice and like oh i understand you're busy sweetie and it makes it WORSE because she's so understanding and i'm here just living my best life three states away while she's just like… there in our old house alone and i just keep thinking about like what if something happens to her when i'm not there or what if she gets lonely and i'm not there to like hang out with her or help her out with stuff i mean i call her like every other day but it’s not the same right i guess i kinda always thought i’d move back home after i graduated like that was the plan when i was younger i always pictured myself like getting an apartment in our town and being super close to her but then i got into this program and i kinda just fell in love with being here and the city and all the opportunities and like the idea of going back to a small town now just feels… tiny like i think i’d just be bored and frustrated and i don’t want to feel that way but then i see her face on video calls and she looks tired sometimes and i just feel like a TOTAL asshole i'm sitting here in my apartment right now with my cat curled up next to me and it’s like 2 am and i just got off the phone with her and she was like oh i miss you and i was like i miss you too mom and i just kinda feel like i’m lying like i do miss her but i don’t miss the town and i don’t miss the feeling of being stuck and i don’t know how to tell her that without completely crushing her i just wish i didn't feel so bad all the time about not being closer like i'm a good daughter i think? but maybe i'm not?