i just watched my neighbor for the third time this week and it's 2am and I’m so exhausted I could actually cry but I won't because crying never fixes anything anyway what good would it do to cry when I'm the one who put myself in this position in the first place right like I saw her texts come in asking if I was free to "help out" again with little Liam and Chloe because she had a surprise work thing and it’s always a surprise work thing or a surprise doctor’s appointment or a surprise visit from her cousin who lives out of state something always comes up and I always say yes like some kind of idiot even though I have a million things to do for my own job and my apartment is a disaster and I haven't seen my friends in weeks because I'm always watching her kids and they’re not even little kids anymore Liam is seven and Chloe is five and they just run wild through my living room drawing on everything with crayon and demanding snacks like I'm their personal chef and I just smile and say "of course I can help" and "anything for you guys" because I want her to think I'm the nice one the helpful one the one she can always count on and it makes me sick to my stomach how much I crave that stupid approval and it’s not even like I get paid for it no of course not it’s always "oh thank you so much you’re a LIFESAVER I owe you one" and the "one" never comes the debt just keeps piling up and I just stand there smiling like a complete moron while she rushes out the door to go do whatever it is she's doing that's so much more important than my life and my time and my peace of mind and then I spend the next three or four hours chasing after these tiny tyrants trying to keep them from breaking anything valuable or each other and I actually had a deadline for a client tonight a really IMPORTANT deadline that I had to push because I was too busy being a free babysitter and now I'm going to have to work all day tomorrow and probably all weekend to catch up and I just feel this rage bubbling up inside me this burning anger at her for asking at them for being so loud at myself for being so utterly PATHETIC that I can't just say NO and actually mean it I keep telling myself it's just for a little while that eventually I'll get the nerve to set some kind of boundary but then I picture her face her relieved smile when I say yes and I just can't bring myself to disappoint her it’s like this invisible chain around my ankle and I can't break free and I just want to scream sometimes just let it all out but I can’t because what would she think what would everyone think if I wasn’t the nice helpful one what would I even be then it's just this constant loop in my head and I’m so tired of it all I just want to sleep for a week straight without being woken up by someone else’s child or someone else’s crisis it's exhausting just existing like this.