i went to a dinner party last night (which was honestly a whole thing to even get invited to bc everyone here is half my age and thinks im just some eccentric old lady) and it was one of those where the conversation just drifted you know like it always does eventually to relationships and past experiences and everyone started telling these hilarious stories about their wild 20s or whatever and i just sat there laughing along nodding at the right times contributing an enthusiastic ‘oh MY god’ when someone told a particularly outrageous anecdote it was exhausting pretending like i totally understood the context of what they were talking about like ive ever had a casual hookup go hilariously wrong or a disastrous one night stand that became a funny story later and i just kept thinking oh god are they gonna ask me are they gonna turn to me and say what about you and what would i even say i mean its not like i can just blurt out 'oh me im a virgin at 70' (well 68 but close enough) bc that would just kill the vibe completely and turn me into the object of fascination (or pity) and i really really dont want to be either of those things especially now when im trying so hard to just blend in with these kids at uni you know im just trying to get my degree in peace and not be the odd one out anymore the dark comedy of it all nearly got me i almost just started giggling maniacally thinking about how ridiculous it was that here i am practically a senior citizen and still having to hide this HUGE part of my life like its some shameful secret (maybe it is idunno) it was just so SURREAL watching them all so open and unashamed talking about things i only ever read in books or see on tv and i felt this weird mix of amusement and a real deep ache of loneliness at the same time and i just kept drinking my wine and smiling and thinking about all the papers i have due next week anything to distract myself from the feeling of being utterly invisible yet totally exposed the night ended and i made my excuses and got out of there pretty quickly you know the whole 'oh gotta get up early for a lecture' thing which is actually true for once and now im sitting here in my tiny student flat (i mean its actually pretty nice for a student flat but still) at 2am typing this on my phone and i just cant shake it the feeling of being an alien among humans you know and im just so tired of it but also like what else am i supposed to do its not exactly something i can change at this point and it feels too late for anything to ever change really and the thought just makes me want to scream and laugh all at once but quietly so i dont wake the neighbours and then id have to explain THAT too and honestly i just dont have the energy anymore