It’s almost 2 AM, and I’m just sitting here, staring at the desk. Again. It’s been… what, six months now? Maybe more. The pile of envelopes is still there, right next to my old brass paperweight (a gift from my CO back in '88, I think it was). I walk past it at least twenty times a day, every single day, and each time it's like a small punch in the gut. Just a dull ache, but it's always there. I know what's in them. Tax documents. All the forms, all the numbers from a year of illustrating (mostly technical diagrams these days, not the exciting stuff I used to do). And I haven’t touched a single one. Not even to open the envelopes properly. I was always so meticulous, you know? In the service, everything had its place, its time. Orders were followed. You did what you were told, when you were told, and there were no excuses. My father, God rest his soul, he’d have had a fit if he saw this. "Discipline, son," he’d always say. "It’s what separates us from the animals." And I believed him. Still do, I suppose. So why can’t I just… open them? It feels like such a simple thing. Anyone else ever feel this paralysis over something so straightforward? Am I the only one who can't just do the thing they KNOW they have to do? I sit down at the desk sometimes, usually around 9 in the morning, with my coffee. I even lay out a few pens, sharpen my pencils – the good ones, not the cheap plastic kind. I tell myself, "Today's the day, Al. Just get it done." And I’ll stare at the pile for a good half hour, maybe even pick up the top envelope (it’s from the bank, I can tell by the logo), feel the weight of the paper in my hand. Then I just… put it back down. And I go draw another carburetor diagram. Or a schematic for a new kind of pipe fitting. Anything else. I think about my retirement, which isn't that far off now. I’m 62. I should be thinking about what I’m going to do with my time, maybe finally get to that easel and paint something for myself again. Instead, I’m stuck here, with this heavy feeling, this knowledge that I’ve let something important slide. It's not just the taxes; it’s… everything. This feeling of just letting things go. I never used to be like this. After… after the dust-up in '91, I told myself I'd never lose control again. Never let myself be caught unprepared. And yet, here I am. Does anyone else find themselves just… avoiding things until they become GIGANTIC in their head? Until the fear of what’s in those envelopes (penalties? audits? I don’t even know) is bigger than the actual task? It feels like a fundamental failing. A lack of fortitude. I’ve faced down far worse things than a stack of IRS forms, believe me. But those were external threats. This… this is me. And I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.