you know when you just like… know there’s something important you need to do and you just CANT do it like it’s just sitting there on your desk just WAITING for you and every time you walk past it you feel that little prickle of like oh FUCK that’s me with my taxes right now or like the tax STUFF bc i’m a freelance illustrator right so like i gotta do all my own shit. and i got all these forms and receipts and like my bank statements that i need to go through and organize and actually like file my taxes or whatever bc i'm technically a business owner now which is CRAZY to even think about and it’s just been sitting there for MONTHS. like since january maybe even december. this pile of like manila envelopes and some loose papers and one of those folders with the tabs that i bought specifically for this purpose to like organize everything neatly. it's all just sitting there on the corner of my desk like a goddamn monument to my procrastination and it’s not even that much stuff. it’s probably like an hour of actual work. maybe two if i’m really being anal about it. but every time i look at it i just get this wave of like paralyzing dread. like my brain just completely shuts down and i can’t even begin to comprehend touching it. it’s like my hands just won’t move toward it and it’s not even just when i’m in my room. like i’ll be walking down the hall to get water and i’ll glance into my room and there it is. the pile. just… staring at me. judging me. and i feel this like physical weight in my chest. like a stone just dropped right into my stomach and all the air gets sucked out of me and then i’ll think about like oh shit what if i get fined. what if the irs comes after me. what if i go to jail. like it escalates so quickly in my head it’s insane. from like "oh i should probably do that" to "i'm going to be a broke criminal with no future" in like two seconds flat and then i just scroll on tiktok for like an hour to make myself forget. or i’ll put on some stupid reality tv show. anything to just like quiet the screaming in my brain that’s telling me i’m a worthless piece of shit for not being able to do this ONE simple thing my roommate walked in the other day and saw it and was like "oh you still haven't done your taxes?" and i just mumbled something about being busy with classes and he just nodded and walked away but i could FEEL his judgment. like he probably thinks i’m a total mess and i am. i totally am i just keep thinking like why can’t i just DO it. why is it so hard to just sit down for an hour and get it over with. it’s not like it’s rocket science. it’s just papers and numbers and a website. but it feels like i have to climb mount everest just to even look at it head on and now it’s like may. and i’m pretty sure the deadline was april. so now i have to deal with like the late penalties and probably a bunch of extra paperwork and it’s just made the pile feel even BIGGER and heavier. it’s like a monster now. a fucking tax monster that’s going to eat my entire future. i don't know what to do. i just don't. i just want to cry.