ok so i just woke up in a panic bc my phone buzzed and for a split second i thought it was my advisor. it wasn't. just a spam email about a furniture sale. but the adrenaline dump was REAL. like full body shivers. and it’s been three months. THREE MONTHS. since i last opened the dissertation file. it’s right there on my desktop. an icon. mocking me. sometimes i accidentally click it and the word document pops up and my brain just goes NOPE. immediate flight response. like my amygdala is in overdrive. i actually started sweating just now thinking about it. dr. hendricks has sent like… four follow-up emails. all super polite. just like “checking in on your progress” or “let me know if you’d like to schedule a meeting to discuss where you’re at.” and each one is a punch to the gut. i read them. i draft responses in my head. elaborate lies. “oh busy with family stuff.” “sudden illness.” “technical issues with my laptop.” but i never send them. i just star the email and let it sit there. another layer of guilt. i don’t get it. i *want* to finish. like, intellectually i understand the utility of finishing. the whole point of these last six years. my entire identity is basically tied to this. people ask what i do and i say “doctoral candidate.” it’s literally my whole deal. and everyone expects me to be done. my parents. my friends who are already buying houses and having babies. like. the pressure is IMMENSE. and i just… can’t. it’s like i’ve developed this intense aversion. every time i even *think* about opening that file—the abstract, the intro, chapter one, all of it—i get this wave of actual physical nausea. like, stomach clenches, heart races, sometimes i even gag a little. it’s bizarre. i’m not usually like this. i used to love research. i used to be so good at this. i even tried setting up accountability partners. failed. downloaded a bunch of productivity apps. useless. told myself i’d just open it for five minutes. nope. i physically cannot make myself do it. it feels like there’s some kind of subconscious block. some deep-seated resistance i can’t articulate. i even had a dream last week where dr. hendricks was just silently staring at me while my dissertation file slowly deleted itself from my computer. like, the little trash icon filling up. and i just stood there paralyzed. didn’t try to stop it. woke up in a cold sweat. it felt so real. am i just lazy? is this just a massive procrastination problem? or is it something else? like some kind of performance anxiety that’s manifested into a phobia? i’m trying to categorize it, to understand the mechanism here, but i’m just coming up blank. it’s not rational. i know it’s not rational. i just feel like i’m stuck in this loop of anticipatory dread and avoidance and then more dread when i see his emails. the cycle is exhausting. and the shame. oh god the shame. it’s like a constant hum in the background of my life. anyone else get this with their big projects? or am i just… uniquely broken right now.