Anyone else feel like a total fraud like a complete goddamn joke. i’m almost 50 my kids are grown they got their own lives which is great i guess but now it’s just me and my parents getting older and older and guess who gets to be everything for everyone. me. always me. i got this dissertation i been “working” on for like seven years and now it’s just sitting there on my computer and i cant even open the file. three months. THREE MONTHS ive avoided it. every time my advisor sends one of those NICE polite emails checking in asking how it’s going i feel this sick twisting feeling in my stomach like im gonna puke. it’s not even a bad email just like “hope youre making progress” or something and i just wanna crawl under my bed and stay there. i used to be so smart you know? like i was gonna change the world or something dumb like that. now im just here taking mom to doctors appointments figuring out dad’s meds trying to remember who needs what from the grocery store. its like my brain is full of other peoples stuff and there’s no room for my own damn thoughts. everyone thinks im doing so well like oh doctor so and so that’s so impressive. IMPRESSIVE my ass. im just making excuses for why i can’t open a file why i cant even look at the thing i spent a decade of my life on. what if i just like delete it. just vanish. pretend i never even started. am i the only one who feels this stuck like in quicksand. every day is the same thing just more stuff to do for other people and then at 2 am i remember that goddamn dissertation and the nausea comes back. it’s just sitting there a monument to my failure. a big fat F. i just wanna sleep. for like a year. or forever. my advisor is gonna send another email soon i know it. and i still haven’t opened the file. i just cant. i just cant. what do i even say to her this time. i dont have any progress. none. zero. just a whole lot of guilt. and a mountain of dirty laundry.