I guess I have to just say it, right? Even though it feels really, really dumb to even put out there. It’s not like, a HUGE deal, but it’s been weighing on me for months and I just needed to… get it out. This is probably stupid but whatever. Okay so, I’m a grad student, almost done with my PhD, which sounds impressive, I know. Like, people hear that and they’re all “wow that’s amazing” and I just kinda nod and try to look smart. But the truth is, I haven’t opened my dissertation file in, like, three months. Three. Full. Months. I know. It’s insane. I actually can’t even believe I’m typing that out. My advisor, Dr. Evans, is really nice, you know? Like, super supportive, always asking how things are going. Which just makes it worse. Every time I get an email from her with the subject line, like, "Checking in on dissertation progress!" or "Quick question about Chapter 3," my stomach just… drops. It’s this actual wave of nausea that hits me, right in the gut. Like I’ve swallowed a rock. I literally have to take a deep breath before I even click on it. And then I open it, and it's always super polite, like, "Hope you had a productive week! Just wondering if you've made any headway on that section we discussed." And I just stare at it. Sometimes I even draft a reply, like, "Yep, totally crushing it!" or "Just making some final tweaks!" But then I delete it. Because it’s a lie. And I just can’t bring myself to send it. So I just… don’t reply. Which is probably worse, right? She must think I’m just totally blowing her off or something. I mean, the file is right there. On my desktop. Labeled "Dissertation_FINAL_DRAFT_V12." I can see it. Sometimes I even hover my mouse over it, like I’m going to double-click. But then my hand just freezes. It’s like there’s an invisible wall around it. I literally cannot make myself click. The thought of seeing all those words, all those pages I’m supposed to be editing or adding to… it just makes me feel exhausted before I even start. It’s not even that I don’t *want* to finish. I really do! I just want this whole thing to be over. I want to have my life back, you know? Like, go out on a Friday night without thinking about paragraph structure or citations. But every time I sit down at my laptop with the intention of working on it, I just… scroll Instagram. Or I clean my apartment. Or I reorganize my books by color. Anything but the dissertation. I’ve even started baking sourdough just to have something else to focus on. My starter is thriving, which is nice, but my academic career is… not. And it’s been going on for so long that now I’m actually starting to worry. Like, what if I just… don’t do it? What if I just can’t? My parents are so proud, they tell everyone I’m "Dr. [My Last Name]" already, and I just kinda laugh it off. But inside, I’m like, *no, I’m actually just a professional procrastinator who’s about to fail out of grad school*. It feels so bad. Like I’m letting everyone down. And myself. Mostly myself, I guess. I don’t know. I just needed to say it. To someone. Anyone. Even if it's just anonymous internet people. It’s just this huge secret I’m carrying around and every polite email from Dr. Evans feels like a little punch to the gut. I just wish I could open the file. Just once. And then just… start. But I can’t. And it’s been three months. Three months of just… avoiding. And I don’t know what to do. At all.