I am sitting here looking at the clock and it says 2:14 and for thirty years that meant something specific sort of like I knew exactly where I should be standing in the hall near the drinking fountain but now the clock is just a number and my house is so quiet it actually hurts my ears sometimes I guess I thought retirement would be different like it would be a vacation but instead it just feels like I am floating in the middle of the ocean without a life vest and I keep checking my phone even though nobody is calling me because I have to find the next job or the next gig just to pay for the heater which is making a clicking sound that is kind of driving me crazy—it just goes click click click like a countdown reasons I am awake right now: 1.