I just had a REALLY bad fight with my boyfriend. Or, I guess, not a fight fight. More like... a *conversation* that went wrong. And it's all my fault. Like, he tried to talk to me about stuff. Serious stuff. He was all like, "Hey, we need to talk about where this is going," and I just... froze. My brain just immediately went into this mode where I gotta deflect. So I started joking. I said something dumb like, "Oh, is 'where this is going' code for 'do you wanna split the cost of a really fancy cat tower'?" He didn't laugh. Obvi. Then he tried again. He was like, "No, seriously, I feel like you never let me in. Like, I don't know what you're really feeling." And then I made another stupid joke, like, "My feelings are mostly a complex algorithm of 'hungry' and 'need coffee' and 'did I remember to save that design file'." It was SO CRINGE. Why do I DO that? Like, it just comes out. It’s like a reflex. A really BAD reflex. He got quiet after that. Just looked at me. And I could see it in his eyes, he was hurt. Really hurt. And then I just wanted to disappear. Wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. Because I know I push him away. I know I do it with everyone. It's like, if I let anyone REALLY know me, they'll see how messed up I am. How I'm barely keeping it together with these stupid freelance gigs, always hustling for the next logo or social media thing. No benefits, no steady pay, just hoping I make enough this month to cover rent. It’s like, a SECRET. He just said, "You know what? Never mind." And walked away. I just sat there. And now I’m on my phone, at 2 AM, feeling like the BIGGEST loser. Because he tries. He really tries to connect. And I just... can't. Or won't. I don't know which is worse. It's like, I want to, but then something takes over and I just start making stupid jokes. And now he’s probably gonna leave me. And I deserve it. I totally deserve it.