I dunno I just feel like I'm doing something really really wrong and I can't even say it out loud and like even typing it here feels like my fingers are gonna catch fire or something and I’m gonna delete this like five hundred times but I gotta say it somewhere, right? Cuz like, I live with my girlfriend. We got a little place out past the old mill, you know the one, everyone knows it. And it's tiny, like two rooms and a bathroom so there’s nowhere to really GO. And she’s super sweet and everything and she wants to, like, *hang out* and watch movies and stuff and just BE TOGETHER, and I just— I can’t. I don’t know why. It makes my skin crawl a little bit and I just wanna run away and hide. And it’s not her, it's totally me, I know that. And I feel like such a SHIT because she’s always trying to do stuff like cuddle up on the couch or like rub my back when I'm tired and I just find myself making excuses. And I know this is bad, like REALLY bad, but my weekends are like my escape plan. I work at the library, the archives actually, which sounds SO boring but it’s actually pretty cool cuz it's usually just me and all these old dusty papers and no one bothers me. And I pick up like every single extra shift they offer. Like, every. Single. One. And sometimes I even just like… pretend there’s a shift? Or like, I stay late for hours and tell her I had to finish something important, a big project, you know? And she believes me! Cuz I’m good at my job and everyone knows it, and she just thinks I’m super dedicated and she’s like, "Wow, you work so hard!" and I just wanna like melt into a puddle of goo and disappear because I’m lying to her face and it’s actually just cuz I’d rather organize microfiches of old town council meetings than sit on the couch and hold her hand. Like, what kind of MONSTER does that? I’m such a freak. And it's not like I don't like her, I do! She’s amazing and funny and she doesn't care that I'm like kinda weird and quiet and not good at talking. But I just can’t… be close to her. And then I come home and she’s all like, happy to see me and makes me dinner and asks about my day, and I give her like the shortest answers possible and then I go to bed and pretend to be asleep when she tries to spoon me. And then I feel bad and I stay up for like hours just scrolling on my phone, feeling like the worst person in the whole wide world. And I just don't know what to do cuz there’s no where to go here and like, I can’t leave her, that would be even worse, right? And everyone would know, in a town this small, they'd ALL know. And then I’d be like, the girl who broke up with her girlfriend cuz she couldn't stand to be near her. Ha. Hilarious. God, I hate myself.