Okay so this is gonna sound super weird and like, probably bad, but I gotta just say it, I guess. It’s about my girlfriend, or like, my kinda-girlfriend, whatever. We’ve been together for years now, like since I was way younger, maybe 11? And she’s at college, like, far away. In a different state, across the country kinda far. And I, um, I think I like it that way. Like, REALLY like it. And I feel SO, SO bad about it. Anyone else ever feel like they just… can’t handle being around people all the time? Not like I hate people, not really. It’s just… a lot. My dad was in the Army, so like, we moved a lot, and there was always this… feeling, I guess, that everything could just change any second. Like, you get used to a place, you make friends, and then BOOM, gotta pack up. Made it kinda hard to get super close to anyone, you know? Like, why bother if they’re just gonna be gone? Or *I* am gonna be gone. So when me and my girlfriend, let’s call her L, started talking, it was online mostly. And then we met up a few times, because she lived, like, a few states over, not super far at first. But then she went to college, and it got really far. And everyone was all like, "Oh no, long distance, that’s so hard, you guys are so strong!" And I just kinda… nodded. But in my head, I was like, "Yeah, it’s hard… but also kinda… perfect?" Is that awful to say? I think it is. Like, we have our video calls, right? Every night, almost. We talk about our day, we laugh, we watch movies together sometimes over Discord. It’s nice. It’s really nice. And then we hang up, and I can just… go be myself. Not that I’m not myself with her, but like, you know how it is. When you’re around someone, you always gotta be… on. Even a little bit. Like, you can’t just leave your socks on the floor, or forget to brush your hair for a day, or just sit in silence if you don’t feel like talking. You gotta… perform, I guess. For lack of a better word. And with L, it’s like, she’s so sweet. She’d want to do everything together. I know she would. She’s mentioned it before, like, how she wishes we could just live together someday. And I always just sorta… change the subject. Or make a joke. Because the thought of it… it just kinda makes my stomach clench. Like, the idea of her waking up next to me every day, seeing me before I’ve had coffee, seeing my room if it’s messy, hearing me chew… all that stuff. It sounds like a lot. Too much, maybe. One time, she came to visit for a whole week. And it was… okay. It was fun at first. We went to the beach, we saw a movie, we went to that one arcade place. But by day four, I was just EXHAUSTED. Like, I kept finding myself going to the bathroom just to get five minutes alone. Or pretending I had homework so I could just sit in my room by myself. And I felt SO guilty about it. She was here, she took time off from school, and I was secretly wishing she’d just… go home. I even, like, kinda pushed her to apply to a grad school that’s even FURTHER away. Not on purpose, like I didn’t SAY "apply to that one!" But she was talking about a few options, and one of them was super far, and I was like, "Oh, that sounds REALLY good for your program, L! You should totally do that one!" And she did. And now she’s even further away. And I’m still here. And I just… I don’t know. I feel like such a monster. It’s like, I want to be in a relationship. I want to have someone I care about, someone who cares about me. And L is great. She really is. She’s funny and smart and pretty and she totally gets me, like, my weird sense of humor and my sorta quietness. But the physical closeness part… the sharing a space, the constant presence… it just feels like a threat, somehow. Like, it would take something away from me. My space. My… solitude. Am I totally messed up? Is this like, a normal thing that people feel? Or am I just broken from all the moving around, or something? Because it’s been years now, and the thought of her moving here, even after she finishes school, just… fills me with dread. And I can’t tell her that. I can’t. Because I know it would absolutely crush her. And I do love her, I really do. But I love her from a distance. And that just feels so, so wrong to admit. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when she finishes her degree. I really don’t.