i just feel like such an asshole. like a total piece of shit, honestly. it’s my girlfriend, right. we live together, which is cool most of the time, I mean it's nice to have someone there, you know? especially when my mom's working late again and the apartment just feels empty and cold as fuck. but then she wants to do stuff. like, real stuff. not just watch tiktok on the couch, or eat pizza. she wants to like, talk. or go to the park, or whatever. and I just… i can't. like a huge brick wall goes up in my head and I just gotta get out. so I say I have extra shifts at the library, or I gotta finish this huge project for history, or my friend needs help with something dumb. i mean I don't even — whatever. and it’s not like she's a bad person. she’s really sweet, actually. she cleans up my messes and she leaves me little notes sometimes, and she always asks about my day even when I just grunt at her. but the thought of just sitting there, with nothing to do but look at her, or worse, have her look at ME, and she'll wanna like, hold my hand or something, or ask me about my feelings? i just wanna disappear. so I end up wandering around the city, sometimes I go to the library even when I don't have a shift, just sit in one of the computer chairs for hours scrolling on my phone. or I go hang out with my friends, who are mostly focused on like, trying to get into parties or finding a new vape spot, not deep conversations. anything to just not be home, not have to be like, *present* for her. and then I feel so guilty, like a truly TERRIBLE person. because she deserves better, you know? she deserves someone who actually wants to spend time with her, not someone who's constantly making up excuses to avoid her. and I know she knows. like I see it in her eyes sometimes, when I tell her I have to "work late" again. she just kinda deflates. and I hate myself for it, but I still can't stop. what the FUCK is wrong with me? i just wanna crawl into a hole and never come out. this is so fucked up.