I don’t even know why I’m telling this because it’s so… petty? but it’s just been sitting with me for days and I can’t shake it and my husband just sort of shrugs when I try to talk about it you know like it’s no big deal but it IS to me and I just need to get it out before I go completely insane which sometimes feels like it’s already happened anyway like maybe the train already left the station a long time ago and I just didn’t notice until now. I always thought I’d be famous you know an artist a painter a writer something that actually mattered but instead I just make little things for craft fairs sometimes not even enough to cover the booth fee half the time which is just pathetic when you think about it. So it was Sunday morning church right and I was sitting there in my usual spot near the back where you can mostly hear but also kind of daydream and I was actually listening for once which is a miracle because my mind is usually off somewhere painting a masterpiece or writing the great American novel anyway so the pastor was talking about community and how important it is to respect our elders which is true absolutely and then they got to the part where you can make hymn suggestions and old Mrs Henderson bless her heart she’s like 78 at least and she gets up there with her cane and her little hat that she always wears and she says could we maybe sing ‘Amazing Grace’ which is a classic right a beautiful hymn everyone knows it and loves it. And then the music director Mr Harrison he’s like thirty maybe thirty-five tops he just kind of gives this little dismissive flick of his wrist like *poof* you know like she just suggested we sing the Macarena or something and he just goes ‘oh we’re not doing that one today’ in this really clipped tone like she was being an inconvenience and it was so RUDE and I felt this surge of ANGER like out of nowhere you know not just for Mrs Henderson but for all of us all the people who are getting older who feel like they’re being erased like their contributions don’t matter anymore and I just wanted to stand up and shout something but of course I didn’t because I’m a coward and a rule-follower always have been. But here’s the thing like I didn’t just feel bad for her I felt bad for ME because I could see myself in her you know like that’s going to be me in twenty years or fifteen probably sooner the way time just flies by and I’m going to be that old lady suggesting something that everyone thinks is completely out of touch and someone’s just going to wave me off and I’ll just sit there and take it because that’s what I do I just take it and I never say anything I never stand up for myself or for anyone else and I just let these little moments chip away at me until there’s nothing left. And now I can’t stop thinking about it that little flick of the wrist like it was nothing but it was EVERYTHING and now I just feel this deep hollow ache like what am I doing with my life what is the point of any of it if that’s how it ends if that’s how we treat people once they’re not useful or young or whatever anymore. It just makes me want to scream or paint something really dark or just hide under the covers forever. I probably should have said something shouldn’t I? I always think I should have said something.