i dont know if this counts as a confession exactly i mean it’s not some big secret really but it feels like it might as well be because i can’t tell anyone not even my roommate who i probably spend more time with than anyone else right now and that’s the thing isn’t it that’s exactly it we were studying again for that art history final and it was late like 2am maybe later and the whole apartment was dark except for the desk lamp and the glow from our laptops and we were just there you know shoulder to shoulder almost not talking just reading and every now and then she’d sigh or shift and i’d feel it like a little jolt and i was so tired i think maybe that’s part of it or maybe that’s just what i’m telling myself because when she leaned over to point something out on my screen her hair brushed my cheek and it was soft and it smelled like that lavender shampoo she uses and i just froze i just stopped breathing for a second and then she smiled at me this tired crinkly smile and my stomach just dropped like i was falling and i just thought WHAT THE HELL IS THIS i’ve only ever dated guys my entire life it’s always been guys and it’s always felt… fine you know always felt like it was what i was supposed to do and there’s this guy i’m seeing now who’s really sweet and he’s studying something practical like engineering so he’ll actually have a job after this whole university thing is over and my parents love him because he’s stable and he has a plan and i thought i liked him i really did or i still do i don’t know but after that moment with her after that little brush of hair and that smile i just felt this rush of anger this ANGER at myself at the whole situation at everything because why now why this and why with HER and what am i even supposed to do with this feeling it’s completely ridiculous i just want it to go away i just want to go back to being tired and annoyed by art history and not feeling anything at all except the need to sleep