you know that feeling when youve been staring at a screen so long your brain just turns into like absolute mush and everything starts looking blurry and weird. like its 2am and the caffeine is long gone and youre just sitting there in the dark with one lamp on trying to make sense of some stupid midterm and everything feels like it’s shifting slightly to the left. you start thinking about your whole life and how you ended up in this exact chair in this exact room and you realize you have no fucking idea what youre doing. and normally it’s fine bc you’ve got your routine and you know who you are and who you like. you’ve always just done the thing where you talk to guys and go on shitty dates and complain about them to your friends and that’s just the deal. it’s easy. it’s what you know. it's what people expect from you. but then sometimes you’re just sitting there and the person you’ve lived with for months does something so small and it just breaks your fucking head for no reason. we were just hunched over the coffee table with papers everywhere and she was trying to explain this one part of the notes and she leaned over to point at my laptop. and for a second her shoulder just brushed mine and i swear to god it felt like a fucking electric shock went through my whole body. i couldn’t even hear what she was saying anymore. i was just looking at her hand and her hair and thinking about how close she was and why the hell my heart was suddenly trying to jump out of my chest over a girl. i couldn't breathe. she just looked at me and said you okay and i just nodded like a total idiot and said yeah just tired. but i wasn't just tired. i was like vibrating. i've never felt like that with any of the guys i've seen—not ever. like it’s always been fine but it’s never been THIS. it’s like i’ve been seeing the world in black and white and suddenly someone just turned the lights on and it’s too fucking bright to look at. it felt like my skin was too tight for my body and i just wanted to keep sitting there but i also wanted to scream. and now i’m just lying in bed staring at the ceiling while she’s asleep in the other room and i feel like i’m losing my mind. i keep trying to tell myself it’s just the stress or the late night or whatever but i know it’s not. it’s THAT thing. the thing you aren’t supposed to feel when your life is already set up a certain way. and it’s so quiet in here but my brain is screaming and i have no idea what i’m even supposed to do tomorrow morning when we have to go get breakfast like everything is normal. i cant even look at her the same way anymore. you just think you know yourself and then one night everything changes and you realize you might be a complete stranger to yourself. it’s fucking terrifying but also i can’t stop thinking about it and how it felt to just be near her. like i don’t want it to stop but i also want to run out the front door and never come back. idk. i’m just sitting here typing this so it’s out of my head and somewhere else for a minute before i have to wake up and pretend i didn't just have my entire world flipped upside down over nothing. over everything.