I don't know if this even counts as a confession, really... it's more like a really long, quiet sigh, I guess. I'm... I'm almost retired. Like, next year, probably. And I just keep thinking about it, all the time. How I got here. How I ended up indoors. I was pretty good at sports, back in college. Like, really good. Outdoors mostly. Running, climbing, kayaking... I loved it. I loved being out there, teaching people how to do things, watching them get it. My coaches always said I had a knack for it. "You should do this for a living," they'd say. "You're a natural." And I thought about it, I really did. I even looked into some programs, outdoor education stuff. But... well, my parents, they were always worried about money. Being an "outdoor educator" didn't sound very stable to them. They were like, "What about a pension? Health insurance? You need something SOLID." So, I looked for something solid. And I found it. A desk job. Government work, actually. It paid well enough, had excellent benefits, the pension was really good. It was... practical. Responsible. Everyone told me I was making a smart choice. My parents were SO proud. And I told myself it was fine. That I could still do my outdoor stuff on the weekends, take long vacations. That it would be enough. And for a long time, I think maybe it was? Or I tricked myself into thinking it was. But... it wasn't. It really wasn't. Not enough, anyway. All these decades, sitting here, looking out a window at the sunshine. Or the rain. Whatever it was, I was usually looking AT it, not being IN it. And sometimes, I'd see these kids, you know, going by with their backpacks, or a group setting up for a run in the park nearby, and this... ache would start. Just a dull, persistent ache. Like something was missing, like a limb had been cut off and I just kept forgetting it was gone. And now, almost at the finish line, I feel like I'm just… empty. Like I chose the safe path and it just drained all the color out of everything. All for a pension I barely even want anymore. I feel like I let that younger me down, somehow. Like I betrayed him. And I don't know if you can even get that back. All that time. It's just... gone.