i don’t know why i’m typing this really i just need to say it out loud i guess even if it’s just to a screen it feels like a weight i’ve been carrying and it’s getting heavier every single day every day it started slow i think my career is just really taking off and i’m working so hard for it i’m in surgery constantly sometimes two three operations a day and then there’s the research the papers the conferences it’s what i’ve always wanted it’s what we always talked about when we were still in college still dreaming about being important still thinking we’d take on the world together you know but now it feels like i’m taking it on alone and he’s just watching from the sidelines he used to be so proud of me i remember him saying 'you’re going to change the world' or 'you’re going to be the best of the best' and i believed him i really did but lately it’s different it’s like the words are still there but the feeling behind them is gone the way he looks at me it’s not adoration anymore it’s something else something heavy something that makes me feel like i’m doing something wrong just by succeeding he’ll say things like 'must be nice to just leave whenever you want' when i have an emergency call or 'another late night huh' and it’s not a question it’s an accusation or when i finally get home exhausted and just want to collapse he’ll be on the couch and just say 'long day for you too' like it’s a competition and i’m always winning the exhaustion competition i guess i try to explain it to him the pressure the sheer mental and physical drain but he just nods his head and then changes the subject to something about his day which usually involves how much yard work he did or how the neighbors are getting a new car i see the looks he gives me when i’m getting ready at 4am the way he just sighs when my phone rings when we’re finally trying to have dinner i see it every single day every day and it makes me question everything like is this what i signed up for is this what we both signed up for and i can’t figure out if it’s me or him or if it’s just this life that we built that’s just not working for one of us anymore and it makes me so incredibly sad because i love my work i love it more than anything and i thought he loved me loving it too now i just feel like i’m being judged for it like i’m failing at something fundamental just by doing what i always dreamed of