I just ended things with Ben, and I feel… nothing. Or, not nothing. I feel RELIEF. And that’s the part that’s making me feel so awful, so utterly, profoundly wrong. He was, is, genuinely kind. Thoughtful, steady. Everything you’re supposed to want in a partner, especially when you’re closing in on thirty and everyone else is getting engaged. My parents loved him. My friends thought he was sweet. And I know he’s hurting, because he said as much, and I believed him. But all I can hear is this really loud quiet in my own head, and it’s like a physical weight has lifted. How can I be such a terrible person? We’ve been together for almost three years, and I’ve been trying to make this work, really trying. I moved in with him last year, which was maybe a mistake, but it felt like the logical next step at the time. He’s an accountant – very practical, very sensible. He’d always encourage me to spend more time on my art, but in a way that felt… I don’t know. Like a hobby he was politely tolerating. Like a phase. He couldn’t really grasp why I wouldn’t just get a "real" job with a steady paycheck and then paint on the weekends. I think he genuinely wanted me to be happy, but he just didn’t understand that the “real job” part would actually make me utterly miserable. He’d say things like, "You’re so talented, you could probably sell some of these," and it just felt so patronizing. Like he thought I hadn't already tried. Like he thought I was just being precious. I don’t know. Maybe I am being precious. Maybe I’m just ungrateful for what was a perfectly good relationship. I keep telling myself I should feel heartbroken, that I should be missing him already, that I should be crying. But I just keep thinking about how much space I have now, how I can spread out my canvases in the living room without worrying about getting paint on his things, how I can stay up until 3 AM working on something without someone gently suggesting I should try to get to bed. And I’m so ANGRY at myself for feeling this way. How could I have wasted so much of his time, and mine, if this is all I was going to feel? What does that say about me? I feel like a monster.