i broke up with him today after almost three years and like everyone expects me to be a mess right now but im not and it's really unsettling like my roommates are all ready with the ice cream and sad movies and im just kinda... there and i feel really guilty about it because he was so sweet and kind you know like genuinely good and he didn't do anything wrong he was just always *there* and now he's not and all i feel is this quiet... relief a quiet hum of relief and it makes me question everything like am i broken what does this say about me that i can just walk away from someone who loved me so well and feel nothing but this strange lightness im in my late twenties and everyone my age is either getting married or freaking out about getting married or having babies and here i am ending something really stable and good feeling like i just shed a weight and im trying to study for my grad school comprehensive exams right now which is already a huge pressure cooker you know with all the reading and the deadlines and the constant feeling of being behind but even that stress feels different now like it's cleaner without him around and that's the part that really gets me the lack of sadness it's like a missing piece but it's not a sad missing piece it's just... a blank space where heartbreak should be and i keep waiting for it to hit me for the dam to break but it just doesn't i just keep thinking about all the extra time i have now for my research and my readings and that feels really selfish to admit i keep playing it back in my head like i tried to summon some tears or some regret but there's just...