you ever just like, feel so alone even when you're literally surrounded by people? like everyone's laughing and talking and you're just kinda… not there. that's how it feels sometimes. like you're watching a movie of your life but you're not actually in it, you know? so yesterday was this community garden thing, right? my mom dragged me. she volunteers there, it’s all like fresh air and dirt and "connecting with nature" which sounds good on paper but mostly it just means sweating and getting bug bites. anyway, it was supposed to be a nice social, potluck style. everyone brought something, and it was mostly like, salads with weird seeds in them and gluten-free muffins that tasted like sadness. my mom made her famous broccoli salad which is actually good, not gonna lie, but still. it was all these older ladies, my mom’s friends, all talking about their morning yoga and meditations and how peaceful they felt. and you're just standing there, holding a plate of half-eaten quinoa salad, and everyone’s like “oh have you tried this new sound bath? it’s SO calming” and you're just nodding, pretending you know what a sound bath even is. they’re all talking about their 'routines' and 'inner peace' and you’re just thinking about that algebra test you totally bombed and how rent is due next week and how your phone screen is cracked and you still haven't bought a new one cause they’re like A THOUSAND DOLLARS now. you know, real peaceful stuff. and it’s hot, right? like, really hot. and these ladies are just glowing, like they just stepped out of a spa commercial. and my mom, she’s right there, beaming, talking about how wonderful it is to start the day with positive affirmations. and you just feel this thing, this ANNOYING little voice in your head that’s like, “you’re not good enough. you’re not peaceful. you’re not calm. you’re just… you.” and it’s kinda loud, that voice. then someone brings out the coffee, like a big thermos of it. and my mom’s friend, Mrs. Davies, she’s like, “oh, who wants a little somethin’ extra in theirs? I brought a secret ingredient!” and she winks, pulls out this small, kinda fancy bottle from her big canvas bag. and it’s RUM. not like a lot, just a little nip. and everyone giggles, like it’s this naughty secret, which for them, I guess it is? they’re all like “oh, you’re so bad, Brenda!” and she pours a tiny bit into their coffees. and you're watching this, and the idea just kinda… pops in your head. like, a little spark. cause you're tired, you know? you’re so tired of pretending to be okay, of smiling and nodding and trying to figure out how you're gonna afford those new textbooks. and your head feels like it’s full of cotton, and the sun is too bright. and you’re just so over it. so when it’s your turn for coffee, and Mrs. Davies is there with her little bottle, and she asks, “just black, sweetie?” you just kinda… nod. and then you hear yourself say, "actually, uh, a little bit of the... secret ingredient? if that's okay?" and her eyebrows go up, just a tiny bit, but she smiles and pours it in. not a lot, just a splash. but it’s enough. and you walk away, holding this cup, and it’s warm and smells kinda sweet and woody, and you take a sip. and it’s not like, BAM, everything’s better. but it’s something. it’s like a tiny, secret shield for just a second. and you just stand there, in the sun, with these ladies talking about their meditation, and you’re sipping your coffee with rum, and for a second, just a tiny, small second, the loud voice in your head gets a little quieter. and you feel a little less like you’re watching a movie and a little more like you’re actually in it. even if it’s just the part where you’re quietly adding rum to your coffee at a community garden social. and you just wonder, like, how many other people are doing their own version of that, just to get through the day. just to get through the noise. cause the noise is just SO MUCH sometimes. and you’re just tired. so so tired.