i guess i should just get this out before i chicken out. so today at the community garden thing it was like potluck for real. everyone was bringing their fancy homemade kombucha and gluten-free carrot cake and talking about their yoga retreats and like, i don't know, their morning sun salutations or whatever. and here i am, mrs. retired teacher, just quietly pouring a little bit of rum in my coffee mug under the table. like, a little bit. but then a little bit more. because jane was talking about her new meditation coach and how it's totally changed her whole outlook and i just wanted to scream. not at jane, she's sweet, but just like, at the whole thing. the whole "find your bliss" thing. i felt like such a fake. like i should be all zen and peaceful now that i don't have to deal with sixth graders anymore. but nope. still here, still kinda freaking out. my daughter called last night, again, about her car trouble and how expensive everything is, and my mom keeps asking me if i remembered to mail her insurance check. like, when do *i* get to be the one who doesn't have to remember everything for everyone else? when do *i* get to just sit and breathe and just BE without someone needing something from me? and then i think about my classes and how much reading there is and my advisor keeps saying i need to "engage more" and i'm like, dude, i'm 52, i'm just trying to get this darn degree before i forget what i'm even studying. so yeah, rum coffee. at noon. in front of the local garden society. i kept looking around to see if anyone noticed the smell. but they were all too busy talking about chakra alignment or something. i just wanted to go home and climb into bed. or maybe just stay at the garden, but then find a quiet corner and just... sit. without having to smile or nod or pretend like i know what they're talking about when they say "inner peace." my inner peace right now is just like, hoping i don't spill this rum coffee on my new white pants. that's my version of a win today. is that bad? i feel bad even writing this. what if someone i know sees it? oh god.