I just found myself staring at the microwave clock again watching the numbers tick over 2am and I don't even know why I'm here typing this out I guess it's just one of those things you do when your brain won't shut up and you've got this ache like a dull toothache right behind your eyes and no amount of scrolling or tv will fix it it's funny I was talking to my sister earlier today she called from across the country where I can't do anything helpful just listen to her describe how mom forgot where she lived again for the third time this week and she sounded so tired like bone tired you know the kind where your voice is flat and low and she said something about how 'at least you never had to deal with this when we were kids' and I just nodded into the phone like she could see me because what are you gonna say to that right like yeah no I was too busy being the house dad even though I was like twelve or thirteen or whatever we were supposed to be the "older" kids me and my brother and our two sisters but my brother he was never really around always out with his friends playing football or whatever else and my older sister she was... well she was just gone most of the time you know like poof disappears after school comes back god knows when sometimes not until morning and my mom she was working two jobs sometimes three to keep us afloat after dad split so it was just me and the little ones it sounds dramatic when I say it like that the little ones but they were little my baby sister was like three maybe four and my brother just a year older than her so yeah dinner was my thing every night after school the bell would ring and it was like a countdown sometimes I'd try to stay for extra help in math or whatever but I'd feel this pull this tightness in my chest knowing those two were probably just sitting there hungry waiting and my mom would leave money taped to the fridge always and a note 'make sure they eat something good' but good meant like hot dogs or frozen pizza if we were lucky sometimes it was just ramen or scrambled eggs again because that's all I knew how to make and it felt like such a huge responsibility like if I messed it up they wouldn't eat i remember one time I was trying to make something fancy like spaghetti with meat sauce cause I saw it on tv and I burned it REALLY bad the smoke detector was going off the little ones were crying cause it was loud and I was just standing there with the pan like oh fuck you know and I felt this WAVE of shame like I was failing them and then I just made them peanut butter sandwiches and felt like a complete loser and my mom came home and didn't say anything about the smoke smell just hugged me and said 'good job making sure they ate' and that was that but it stayed with me even now like my kids my OWN kids they're grown mostly but I still cook dinner every night even when it's just me and my wife or sometimes just me and I can't NOT you know like it's programmed in it's just what you do it's your job and my sister she says like 'oh you were always so good with the kids' and 'you were always so responsible' and she says it like it's a compliment like I CHOSE that but I didn't it was just how it was and you just did it because who else was gonna and the thing is I don't really remember being angry about it at the time not really just tired like a different kind of tired than my sister sounds now this deep down exhaustion that just never left and you just keep moving because what's the alternative and I keep wondering if all this the always cooking the always checking on everyone the always being the one who makes sure things are handled is just cause of that or if I'm just wired this way regardless it’s probably BOTH right and now I'm here thinking about it all over again at 2am and mom’s calling again tomorrow I just know it and I’ll have to hear about how she thinks she saw dad in the grocery store and he looked just like he did before he left and I’ll just say ‘oh really mom that’s nice’ because what else can I say what else is there to do