gosh its so late everyone asleep probly but im just up again it always happens around 2 am kids been gone ages now oldest is 38 youngest is 30 moved out like forever ago but im still here just doing the same stuff yesterday i was doing laundry right folding their old t-shirts like the ones from high school and i swear i smelled like their old detergent. it was weird. and then i just sat there for like ten minutes just holding them. like what am i even doing. my husband hes great but he just watches golf all weekend. he asks me what i wanna do and i always say oh im good. then i just walk around the house. i used to wake up at like 6 every day for school stuff making breakfast packing lunches rushing to get them out the door. then i cleaned up and cooked dinner every night. i mean i loved it. i really did. but now it’s just… empty. like the house is too big. i go into their old rooms sometimes just to turn on the light and then turn it off again. just checking. no one’s there. my friend carol she said oh you should take up painting or join a book club. but i just feel like what’s the point. who am i supposed to be now. like i was a mom. that was my thing. all those years taking care of everyone. now no one needs me to pack a lunch or pick up socks. i mean they call sometimes. my daughter calls twice a week shes so sweet. but its not the same. its like a check in. not like a real need. i just feel like im floating. like a little balloon after the party's over just kinda bumping into things. am i just supposed to wait now. wait for what. like i got all this time and i dont know what to do with it. it makes me feel kinda dumb to even say that out loud. like so many people would kill for this much free time. but i just feel… useless. is that bad. to feel useless. when youve been doing something for so long. then it just stops. it just stops.