i just got back from teaching the 8pm hiit class and im sitting in the dark in my honda civic in the gym parking lot and my hands are shaking so bad i can barely hold my lighter like litteral tremors... i just preached for an hour about cellular health and flushing out carcinogens and now im here sucking down a parliament like it’s oxygen bc if i don’t i might actually scream. the irony is so thick i can taste it and it tastes like stale tobacco and mint gum—it’s actually pathetic. earlier today one of my regulars becky came up to me after class and was like oh my god your skin is literally glowing whats your secret and i had to look her in the eye and say oh its just the antioxidants and the cold plunges and she actually BELIEVED me. i felt like a total sociopath. i have this whole persona of the girl who treats her body like a temple while i’ve got a pack of 27s hidden in the lining of my gym bag underneath my organic cotton towels... if they knew they would crucify me. i’m the poster child for the whole “wellness” brand at this studio and it’s all a lie. and the thing is im drowning in these grad school bio-chem lectures and the cognitive dissonance is making my brain feel like it’s melting out of my ears. like i know exactly what this is doing to my alveoli and my vascular system—i literally studied it for my midterm yesterday—but the more i know the more i need to smoke. its this loop. study the pathology of lung tissue for six hours then go outside and light up bc the stress of knowing is worse than the act itself. im basically a walking contradiction in expensive leggings. my boss sarah stopped me in the breakroom today and said she noticed i was using a lot of perfume lately and i almost had a heart attack on the spot. i told her it was a new essential oil blend for "grounding" but i could tell she was suspicious. i had to go into the bathroom and scrub my fingers with dish soap until they were raw because that smell... it sticks to you. it’s like it knows i’m a liar. i spend half my paycheck on those expensive-ass candles and mists just to mask the fact that i’m a fraud. it started when my thesis got rejected the first time and i was just so tired of being the girl who has it all together. i walked into a gas station and bought a pack just to feel something that wasnt "clean." now it’s my only friend.