i guess this is kinda dumb to write here but its like 2am and i cant sleep and my brain is just doing its thing we finally did it right we bought the house the big one with the backyard for the dog that we dont even have anymore cause sparky passed last year and it just feels so EMPTY sometimes like we worked so hard for this house every single day every day for years saving every penny putting off trips putting off everything just to get enough for the down payment and then the closing costs and the endless repairs cause nothing is ever perfect is it and its in this like really nice neighborhood too the one with all the trees and the little community park where kids are always playing and everyone waves to each other when they walk their dogs i mean i guess i thought that meant something but like tonight we were just sitting there in the living room right on our new couch that cost an ARM AND A LEG and its so quiet you can hear the crickets outside and its just us me and mark and he's on his phone scrolling through like old pics of the kids when they were little which is totally fine like i get it they're grown now off doing their own thing but it just made me feel even more alone i looked out the window at the dark backyard and i just kept thinking like what now what was all that for you know and it's not even a bad feeling like sad exactly its more like a hollow feeling like a big balloon that just kinda deflated we tried right we brought over cookies to the neighbors like the second week we moved in and they were super nice about it but then like a month later they still dont know our names and its like okay so what was the point of the cookies and im back in school too for my degree cause i thought that would like open up new doors and stuff and its so much harder than i thought it would be the kids in my classes are like half my age and they all have their little groups already and im just there like the old lady in the back trying to remember what a thesis statement is every single day every day my mom called earlier and was like oh so are you gonna invite us over for christmas now that you have a REAL house and i just like mumbled something about maybe and i could hear the disappointment in her voice even through the phone and i felt like such a jerk i just wanted to like belong right thats what i thought this house would do it would be like a sign that we made it that we were part of something bigger but im just sitting here in this big quiet house feeling more out of place than ever before and i dont even know what to do about it i really dont