i guess i just have to say this out loud to someone even if it’s just strangers on the internet at like 2am when i should be sleeping or working on my thesis or literally anything else. bc i'm kinda freaking out about my relationship right now. like it's been a while with my partner, a few years, and we're good you know? like we laugh a lot and they're super sweet and we just vibe on a lot of stuff. but then... there's this other part. i just finished another long day in the lab, super excited about this new breakthrough we had with the data. it was like... my brain was buzzing with possibilities, all these ideas connecting, and i couldn't wait to tell someone. so i called them, kinda rambling a bit, probably too fast, about the implications and what it could mean for the whole field, and i could just hear it in their voice. like a polite silence, then "oh that's... cool babe." and then immediately asking what we should have for dinner. it just deflated me instantly. like a balloon letting all the air out. and it’s not just that one time. it’s every time. i try to explain my research, something i literally dedicate my life to, something that i'm SO passionate about, and they just... don't get it. or they pretend to. and it makes me feel so alone. like i have this whole HUGE part of my life, this thing that defines me in so many ways, and they just can't connect with it. it's like we speak different languages when it comes to the stuff that really makes me tick. i keep thinking about what that means for the future. like if we can't even talk about my passion now, what happens in five years? ten years? are we just gonna live separate intellectual lives? i keep picturing myself sitting at a dinner table, trying to share something profound or exciting, and just getting a blank stare back. and the thought of that... it's kinda terrifying. it feels like it would be so, so BORING eventually. like i'd just be shrinking myself down to fit. i love them, i really do. and we have fun. but is fun enough? is it enough to sustain a whole life together if you can't share the stuff that lights you up inside? or am i just being dramatic bc i'm tired and have too much coffee in my system? idk. i just wish i could share this part of me without feeling like i'm speaking to a wall. it's kinda heartbreaking. and i don't know what to do.