i hate that i can’t even do a basic warrior pose anymore without wobbling like some sort of decrepit old woman and the worst part is I'm supposed to be TEACHING this stuff like how am I supposed to tell these beginners to find their center when mine feels like it’s been ripped out and replaced with wet sand it’s humiliating having to modify every single pose when I'm demonstrating or making excuses about ‘listening to your body’ when really I'm just trying not to fall flat on my face in front of Mrs Henderson from the bakery who already judges everything everyone does in this tiny town anyway and my knees oh god my knees they crack and pop like some cheap fireworks show every single time i bend them it’s not just a little stiffness it’s a constant ache a dull throbbing that makes me just want to scream sometimes and the balance a joke a cruel joke from the universe i used to be able to stand on one leg for minutes no problem now i can barely hold it for ten seconds without my ankle giving out i feel so ANGRY at my own body for betraying me like this i mean this is my life my whole identity everyone in this goddamn town knows me as the yoga instructor the one who's supposed to be all bendy and serene and at peace but inside i’m just seething boiling with frustration because i can’t even do the simple things anymore i used to love teaching i really did watching people discover what their bodies could do seeing that light in their eyes but now i just dread every class every single one because i know i’m going to have to pretend that everything is fine that i’m not in pain that my body isn't falling apart faster than a cheap sweater and it’s not like i can just quit there’s nothing else here nothing else for me to do this is all i have all i ever wanted to do really when i moved back home after college thinking i’d bring some zen to this place what a joke and the worst is knowing that everyone sees it even if they don’t say anything the polite little glances the concerned smiles when i have to lean on the wall during a tree pose it’s like they’re all just waiting for me to break down completely to admit that i’m a fraud a total failure i feel trapped in this small town this small life this failing body and there’s no way out no other studios no other options just me and my crumbling joints pretending to be a goddess of flexibility it’s just so unfair why me why now when i finally thought i had something figured out something i was good at it’s just another thing to be mad about i guess another thing to keep me awake until 3am staring at the ceiling and hating everything