i hit the number today like THE number the big one we’ve been chasing for like, ages, it feels like forever. since i started this whole thing, you know? the business. it’s like this huge milestone i guess. everyone would be like OMG congrats right but i just stared at the screen. the bank balance. kinda like a deer in headlights, you know? just frozen. and it wasn’t like… excitement. or pride. it was just this… sinking feeling. like a weight landed on my chest. i went to my office after the transfer came through. sort of just sat there in the dark for a bit. didn’t even turn on the lights. just the glow from the computer monitor. thinking about all the stuff. the payroll next week. the new insurance quote that came in yesterday, way higher than i thought it would be. the rent for the big warehouse, like, god the rent. it just keeps going up. and my kids, they’re sorta grown now, out of the house mostly. but still, like, sometimes they need a little help. tuition or whatever. and my folks, my mom called earlier about dad’s meds, said they’re getting real expensive. like a lot. and she sounded… tired. really tired. and i just hear that and it’s like another thing i gotta figure out, another thing that needs money. my money. it’s weird cause like, i thought this would be the moment. THE moment. where i’d feel like i finally did it. finally made it. but it’s just… more pressure. more things to lose now, i guess. before, when we were struggling, it was just like, keep going, fight another day. but now it’s like, keep this. maintain it. don’t let it slip. it feels like i built this really tall tower, and now i gotta figure out how to keep it from falling over. forever. i mean, i’m still in school part time, trying to get that degree i never finished back when. and it’s like, another thing on the plate. group projects and stupid deadlines. feels kinda silly now, to be honest. studying for some history test when i’m looking at these numbers. like, who cares about the peloponnesian war when i’m stressing about cash flow. i haven’t told anyone yet. not my partner. not my kids. not my friends. cause what would i even say? "hey i hit our big goal and now i’m TERRIFIED"? they’d look at me like i’m crazy. like, you worked your ass off for this, why are you complaining? be happy. but i just… can’t. it’s not happiness i’m feeling. it’s this kinda dread. i’m sitting here typing this on my phone in bed. it’s like 2am. can’t sleep. just running through all the expenses in my head. all the things that could go wrong. what if we lose a big client? what if the market tanks? what if i screw something up? and then it’s all gone. all that hard work. gone. i sort of thought i’d be popping champagne or something. instead i’m just staring at the ceiling. wondering how long i can keep this up. this feeling. this… constant worry. it just feels heavy. real heavy. and i don’t really know what to do with it. or how to make it stop.