idk if this is like a real thing or if im just making a big deal out of nothing but like my dad. he’s a stay-at-home dad. always has been since i can remember. and like, that’s cool, right? he says it lets him be there for us, my little brother and sister. they’re still toddlers, super little, like 2 and 3. and he *is* there. he plays with them, takes them to the park every day, whatever. but sometimes… i see him. like today. he was getting ready to take them to the park and i was just grabbing my sketchbook from the kitchen counter, u know? and he had this reusable water bottle. one of those metal ones. and he was pouring something into it from a different bottle. a clear one. and it smelled. not like water. it smelled kinda… strong? like rubbing alcohol almost but not quite. and then he saw me looking and he like, quickly put the cap on and stuffed it in the diaper bag. and he just like, smiled and was like “ready for park time, kiddo?” and i just mumbled yeah and left. but then i kept thinking about it. about that smell. and the way he like, moved so fast. is that normal? i dunno. i always thought he was like, super happy to be a dad. he always says he is. but his eyes sometimes… they look kinda tired. like really tired, even when he just woke up. and he kinda laughs at everything. like, too much sometimes. even if it’s not that funny. is that weird? and then later i saw them at the park from my window. he was pushing them on the swings, and he was laughing, and he seemed fine. totally normal. but i still kept thinking about that bottle. and like, is it vodka? i think it was vodka. is he drinking vodka at the park with my little brother and sister? that sounds SO BAD typed out. but i dont know what to do. if i say anything, he’ll be so mad. or sad. or both. and what if i’m wrong? what if it was just like, some weird juice or something? but it really smelled. and he like, hid it. i just… i don’t know. i draw a lot, right? and sometimes my art feels like, totally useless compared to like, having a REAL job. like my dad had a real job before he stayed home. but he hated it, he always said. he said he wanted to be creative. he used to draw too. but he doesnt anymore. just cleans and cooks and plays with the babies. is that what happens? do you just… stop doing the things you love? is he sad? and he’s like, trying to feel better with… that? it makes me feel kinda sick. and guilty too, for even thinking it. is that a horrible thing to think about your dad? i just needed to get it out. i can’t tell anyone in real life. NO ONE.