i’m sitting in the way back of the library parking lot right now and my hands smell like onions and cheap grease and i honestly feel like a criminal... just spent a chunk of my weekly grocery budget on a single cheeseburger from that place with the yellow sign because i couldnt stare at another bowl of unseasoned lentils and wilted spinach back at the apartment. my roommates are like... human versions of an organic yoga mat and they look at me like i’m a literal biohazard if i even suggest eating something that didnt grow in a boutique garden. so here i am. hiding. like a PATHETIC little goblin in the dark. the scholarship thing is eating me alive too like i have exactly 38 dollars in my checking account for the rest of the month and i just spent a significant percentage of it on a piece of meat that probably isnt even 100% cow but honestly? BEST MONEY IVE EVER SPENT. the dichotomy of my existence is just... chef's kiss. im supposed to be this high-achieving scholar with my life together but im literally huddling in a 2012 honda civic eating like i havent seen food in a decade. i can almost hear the dean whispering that i should be spending this on textbooks or something useful but the dopamine hit is currently more IMPORTANT than my gpa. chloe and sarah are probably back there right now talking about their frequencies or whatever and drinking green sludge that looks like pond water and if i walked in with this bag they would literally stage an intervention. sarah actually asked me yesterday if i felt sluggish because of my intake and i almost laughed in her face bc im not sluggish im just BROKE and EXHAUSTED and i want something that tastes like something. they have their parents credit cards and i have a spreadsheet where i track every cent and sometimes i just want to scream into the void because the social performance of being healthy is so EXPENSIVE. it’s a luxury to eat like they do and they dont even get it. they think it's a choice but for me it's just math. the burger was kind of cold by the time i got to the spot but i didnt even care i just inhaled it in like three bites and now im just staring at the greasy wrapper feeling this weird mix of euphoria and absolute despair. there’s a mustard stain on my thumb and i look like a total disaster in the rearview mirror. it’s actually hilarious if you think about it... top 5% of my class but i can’t even eat a burger in my own kitchen without feeling like a fugitive on the run. im sitting here praying the smell dissipates before i go back inside or i'll have to tell them i was walking past a grill or some other ridiculous lie. i should probably go home and finish that paper on late-stage capitalism which is IRONY at its finest but the engine is cold and i just want to sit here in the dark for a minute. the future feels like a giant black hole and tonight this burger was the only thing that felt real or solid or within my control even if it was a terrible financial decision. i can see the lights in the library windows and everyone is so BUSY and so focused and i’m just... here. with a stomach full of cheap grease and a heart that’s beating way too fast. guess ill just throw the evidence in the dumpster and walk in like i spent the last two hours studying instead of committing a felony against the apartment aesthetic. lol i hate it here... i really do.