you know how sometimes you find something like totally random and it just hits you in a WAY you didn't expect like a punch to the gut almost so i was cleaning out my grandmas attic this weekend which is like the MOST boring thing EVER but she promised me twenty bucks an hour and my phone is on its last legs so i really need the money and i found this old box of like letters and photos and super old postcards and most of it was just dusty and boring but then i saw this one postcard and it had this weird drawing of a lighthouse on it and the writing was kinda faded but it was from some dude named like david and it was to her and it was like HEY COME LIVE BY THE OCEAN WITH ME and it had this little heart doodle and i just froze like my breath kinda caught in my throat and it was just so SWEET you know and i kept thinking what if she had said yes what if she like actually packed up everything and went to this stupid little coastal town with this dude and it made me think like a lot about my own life and how like overwhelming everything feels right now and sometimes you just wanna run away from all of it like the school stuff the city noise the constant pressure to like know what you're doing next and my grandma she always talks about how important her career was and like staying independent and all that stuff and i guess that's why she didn't go with him because she was a librarian and like super serious about her job but i just kept picturing her in this totally different life you know walking on the beach every day instead of like sorting books in a quiet library and this guy david he sounded like he really liked her like he really WANTED her there and it just made me feel so WEIRD and kinda sad for her almost like what if that was her BIG chance at something totally different and she just let it slip away because of like responsibilities and stuff and now im just like sitting here in my room looking out at all the buildings and the traffic and thinking about that stupid lighthouse postcard and that dude david and like what if i miss my own chance at something good because im too scared or too focused on what i "should" be doing like what if there's a version of me somewhere right now that's happy and like living by the ocean with someone who thinks im the BEST and im just here staring at my cracked phone screen and stressing about my history test tomorrow it’s just a LOT to think about and it feels kinda heavy on my chest like a big rock or something and i dont even know why it matters to me so much because it's not even MY life it's her old life but it just got me thinking about all the what ifs and the could have beens and it's kinda SCARY sometimes just how many different paths there are and how you pick one and then like all the others are just gone forever you know it's a lot to deal with.