sometimes you're studying for an econometrics final which i have no business even attempting at my age let's be real and you find some old ephemera tucked into a textbook and it just STOPS you in your tracks you know? like for me it was a postcard from jeremy from like 1978 or something ancient talking about how lovely cape cod was and inviting me to come live with him you know just up and move and forget everything and it's so small but it just absolutely derailed my whole evening because now i'm just sitting here staring at this stupid blank screen and all i can think about is what if i HAD gone you just wonder don't you if your whole life would be different if you'd just taken that leap into the unknown instead of staying safe and predictable and becoming the librarian everyone expected you to be and sure i loved my career and my little apartment filled with books but there's this little part of me that always wonders about the smell of salt air in a little cottage by the ocean with jeremy who probably has a completely different name now or is dead who knows but still it's like a little itch under your skin isn't it the what if of it all the ghost of a different life and now i'm here in my pajamas at 2am when i should be reviewing regression models for a class i'm probably going to fail anyway wondering if he ever thinks about me or that stupid postcard or if he found someone else and bought that cottage anyway and i'm here wondering if my current academic endeavor is just another way to avoid sitting with these ancient feelings because let's be honest econ for seniors is a pretty good distraction from anything truly meaningful that's haunting you. it's just so exhausting sometimes the way these old memories just ambush you out of nowhere and you can't even fight them off you just have to sit there and let them wash over you while your whole life flashes before your eyes and you realize you have an exam tomorrow and you haven't even cracked chapter five. the endless parade of poor choices and missed opportunities amirite. ugh.