I know this is probably stupid like whatever it’s not a big deal but I just had to write it down somewhere because it’s been – gnawing at me you know – like this little parasite in my brain that just feeds on silence and then it gets bigger and bigger until it feels like it’s going to explode so I’m a freelance graphic designer working from home obviously and like everyone says oh that’s the dream right pajamas all day no commute no boss breathing down your neck yeah it’s great it really is except sometimes the silence is SO loud like a physical thing pressing in on you the last time I actually spoke to someone face to face who wasn’t like a client on a video call being all corporate and fake smiles was I don't even know maybe four weeks ago it was my neighbor Brenda she wanted to borrow some sugar for baking and we chatted for like five minutes about her cat and the weather it was super mundane but I remember thinking WOW this is a real person looking at me and then last night I was watching this documentary about deep sea creatures the kind that live in total darkness right and they have these bioluminescent bits and I just started thinking about how they adapt to that absolute isolation that constant blackness and it clicked in my head like an old lock finally giving way after years of neglect it’s not like I’m a hermit I still go to the grocery store sometimes I go for walks around the block but it’s all transactional you know it’s like nod smile swipe your card go home or walk past people with their headphones on everyone in their own little bubble it’s like we’re all deep-sea creatures now glowing faintly in our own private darkness the really messed up thing is that I’m a student too online classes of course so I’m constantly reading constantly writing constantly engaging with IDEAS and CONCEPTS but the actual human interaction is just gone it’s like my brain is firing on all cylinders analyzing theories dissecting arguments but the part that connects to another actual living breathing human is atrophying it feels like a limb that’s been in a cast for too long I was making myself some instant ramen last night because I forgot to go shopping again and the water was boiling and I just stood there watching the steam rise and thinking about how I could go for DAYS without anyone noticing if I just vanished my clients would email me eventually my professors would send reminders but no one would actually… look for me you know and then I started talking to my cat Mimi it’s not new I do it all the time but last night it felt different I was telling her about my latest essay on post-structuralism and she just blinked at me and purred and I actually heard myself say out loud to a cat “you’re the only one who listens Mimi” and then I laughed because it’s ridiculous right but it wasn’t a funny laugh it was like a short sharp bark of something almost like… despair I don’t even know what I’m expecting here I just needed to say it out loud even if it’s just to a bunch of anonymous strangers on the internet it’s not like I’m asking for advice or anything it’s just a statement of fact a clinical observation of my own decay a slow quiet entropy of the social self and I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else out there feels like they’re also just floating in the dark sometimes waiting for a faint glow to appear in the distance or maybe it’s just me maybe I’m the weird deep-sea creature.