ok so im like freaking out rn and it’s 2am and i just ate cold pizza bc i cant even bring myself to cook anymore and i just realised something SUPER messed up about my life and im like wow this is it this is how i become that crazy cat person but like without the cats bc i cant even take care of myself but anyway like it’s been WEEKS maybe months since i talked to a real actual person who isn't a client who is just like a human being i can joke with or whatever you know and i was working on this really intense design project for this startup and they kept changing their minds about EVERYTHING and i was on the phone with them for like 8 hours straight today and it was all business all smiles all professional and then i hung up and the silence was just SO LOUD and i felt this like... actual physical ache in my chest and i was like huh that's weird and then i remembered that email from my professor about the seminar next month and i was thinking about how much i dread going back to campus but also how much i miss just like bumping into someone in the hall or getting coffee with a classmate before a lecture and i'm not even a super social person like i like my space i like working alone but this is different this is like a void and i feel like im just floating in it and the only things holding me down are deadlines and instant ramen and like what am i even doing with my life studying for this postgrad thing at my age and i almost called my sister but then i was like what would i even say like hey sis i haven't spoken to a human in like a month except for clients who pay me and i just realised im basically a hermit but like a hermit with a macbook and a student loan and i know she’d be like go outside or something but its just not that simple and im like 50 now and this is supposed to be my like second wind or something but i just feel like im totally losing it am i the only one who feels like the world just keeps speeding up and you’re just trying to hold on to something anything but everything is like made of smoke and you just keep slipping and like is this what they call an existential crisis or is it just being ridiculously lonely and studying for a degree i probably dont even need and like i just need to know if anyone else out there feels this way or if im just totally alone in this mess