i just needed to get this out somewhere bc i cant talk about it with anyone irl you know like no one would get it it started after winter break when i came back to campus like everyone was talking about how chill their break was and i was just like oh yeah mine was chill too but it wasnt really i just felt like i didnt do anything important like i just existed for two weeks and it kinda freaked me out when i got back to my apartment and realized i hadnt done anything productive creative art wise in forever so i told myself okay new semester new me whatever but it was more like new semester prove youre still good enough me bc i started feeling like i was falling behind everyone else like all my friends were interning or getting commissions or something and i was just doing my regular classes and a couple of small freelance gigs i guess i wanted to prove to myself that i could still keep up or something so when my current clients asked for extra stuff i said yes to everything and then i started looking for more and i ended up taking on three NEW clients on top of my existing work and full course load it was supposed to be a challenge like a test to see if i still had it but now im just staring at my computer screen for hours sometimes like literally just blankly watching my cursor blink like i know what i need to do i have all the briefs open all the files ready but my brain just wont engage and the worst part is no one knows like everyone thinks im doing GREAT bc im always posting about my new projects and making it seem like im hustling hard but inside im just dead tired and totally overwhelmed and not even doing good work anymore like im just phoning it in i spend so much time pretending to work or trying to trick myself into working that i barely have any time to actually work and then the deadlines are suddenly REALLY close and i have to pull all nighters and then im even MORE exhausted and it just keeps going in a circle i think my grades are starting to slip too bc im so focused on these client projects that i dont even really care about school anymore which is insane bc thats why im here and my parents are paying so much for this i just feel like im trapped in this cycle of trying to prove im productive when really im just burnt out and miserable and its only a matter of time before someone notices or i just totally crash and burn like i just want to sleep for a week straight without feeling guilty about it