you know when you just kinda lose everyone? like not in a bad way but just... drift. it's weird bc i thought moving out would make things easier. more time for friends, no parents telling me what to do. big surprise lol. but now it's like, what friends? everyone's on that 9-to-5 grind and i'm over here with like, a tuesday 3pm to 11pm shift and then wednesday morning 6am to 2pm. it's a mess. i used to have like, game nights every thursday. and brunch on sundays. now it's like, i text the group chat "anyone free saturday afternoon?" and it's crickets. or someone says "oh sorry i have that thing" or "family dinner" or "we're going to the lake this weekend." and you just kinda know you're not invited. not bc they don't like you but bc it's just too much work to try and figure out when i'm free. sometimes i don't even know when i'm free till like, two days before. my manager just posts the schedule and that's it. no wiggle room. the other day i saw sarah and mark like, biking past my apartment. like right past it. and i was just coming back from a night shift, still in my uniform, kinda smelly honestly. and they waved and i waved back but i just felt so... not part of it. they looked all happy and sun-kissed and i looked like i'd been fighting a bear in a freezer for eight hours. and i know it's not their fault. i mean i don't even — whatever. it's just hard. you try to explain it but it's like, you can't just call out of work for a lunch date. i need the money. rent is like, HALF my paycheck already. and the gas for the commute, it's brutal. i just want to like, chill with people. watch a movie. order some pizza. but everyone's always doing something that starts at 7pm on a friday or a saturday morning thing. and i'm either at work or just getting home and falling asleep or like, trying to get enough sleep before the next crazy shift starts. i just deleted a text i wrote to chloe asking if she wanted to grab coffee bc i remembered she has a 9am meeting every day. and i don't even know what time i'll wake up tomorrow. could be 10am, could be 2pm. it's just easier not to ask sometimes. less disappointment. i just sit here, scrolling, watching everyone else's perfect lives on instagram. like they all have it figured out. all the barbecues and the cute little park dates. it's EXHAUSTING. feeling like you're always on the outside looking in.