You know that feeling when you’re kinda just floating through stuff, right? Like, you’re in a crowded room but nobody actually *sees* you. Just... another person in the way. That’s how it feels sometimes, especially around the holidays. Everyone’s all hyped up, like, buzzing around with their bags and their stupid Santa hats and shit. You kinda just get swept along. I was at the mall yesterday, you know? Just ‘cause there’s nothing else to do. My mom was working late and my dad, well, he’s kinda always working, or doing something else. It was packed. Like, elbow-to-elbow, sticky-sweet smell of pretzels and cheap perfume. Christmas music blaring through the speakers, making everything feel even more… I dunno, fake? Like a movie set, but you’re not even an extra, you’re just a piece of furniture. Everyone else was like, hauling stuff. Big ass bags from like, Macy's and shit. Kids screaming, parents laughing. This one family, a mom and a dad and two little kids, they were all wearing matching red scarfs. They were holding hands, all bundled up, and the littlest kid was kinda looking up at the lights, mouth open like a fish. And the mom, she leaned down and kissed the kid’s head. It was… a lot. You just kinda watch it, you know? Like it’s not even real. And then it hit me. Like, a punch to the gut. Or maybe more like a cold drip, slowly seeping in. I was just walking, dodging strollers and old people, and I looked down at my hands. Empty. Nothing. And then I started thinking about who I was even *there* for. Like, who would I even buy a present for? My mom, I guess, maybe a cheap something from the dollar store later, if I even remember. My dad? Nah. He'd just tell me not to waste my money. My sister, she's away at college and doesn’t really talk to me anymore. My friends… well, we don't really do presents. We just kinda hang out, smoke weed, whatever. It’s just… you walk past all the stores, right? And they have all this SHINY stuff. All these ads with happy families and perfect smiles. And it’s like, who is this for? If you don’t have anyone to give it to, what’s the point? It felt kinda hollow. Like, a big, empty space inside my chest. Not really sad, not exactly. Just… a blank. Like when your phone dies and the screen just goes black. I ended up in the food court. Got a slice of pizza. It was kinda cold and greasy. I just sat there, watching everyone else. Like, really watching them. Some old dude was across from me, he looked kinda slumped over, picking at his fries. He had this kinda… faraway look in his eyes. Like he was seeing something else. And I thought, maybe he feels it too. That kinda… ghost feeling. Like you’re there, but you're not *there*. You’re just a body taking up space. It's weird ‘cause you don’t even realize it until it kinda slaps you in the face. Like, one minute you're just walking, and the next you're thinking, "Oh. Right. I don't have anyone." And it’s not even about the gifts, I guess. It’s more like… being invisible. Like, if you disappeared, would anyone even notice? Would they even care? Probably not, right? I just feel kinda… small. When everyone else is so big and loud and full of all this holiday cheer. You just want to shrink down, maybe disappear into the crowd. I guess that’s why I’m typing this. Just kinda… spitting it out. ‘Cause there’s no one else to tell, really. And it just feels heavy, you know? Like a brick in your stomach. And the holidays are only just starting. It's gonna be a long couple of weeks. Shit.