you know that feeling when you've been on your feet for like literally eight hours straight and your brain feels like a sponge that's been wrung out a thousand times but there's still somehow like more water to get out like that's me right now it’s almost 2 am and i just got home from the holiday market and i cant even begin to tell you how many people asked me if we had the little reindeer ornaments in stock no we don’t and we haven’t for three days and no i dont know when they’ll be back and no i cant just check in the back that’s the first place i would look obviously i was smiling so hard my face still hurts you know like the muscles in your cheeks ache after a really long laugh but it wasn’t from laughing it was from being polite to like a hundred different people who all wanted the same thing and were kinda annoyed when i didn’t have it and then another hundred people who wanted to know if we had a bathroom and no we don’t this is a pop-up stall at the market not a whole store you have to go like three blocks that way to the public ones the worst part was probably the lady who tried to haggle over a three dollar candle i was just like ma’am this isn’t a flea market this is a curated artisan market and she just like stared at me with these really intense eyes and i almost just like started laughing but then i remembered i needed this job and i need the money for tuition and rent and so i just said ‘i’m so sorry i can’t change the price’ and she just scoffed and walked away leaving the candle on the counter like i was supposed to put it back myself and then i get home finally after a bus ride where someone was playing really loud christmas music through their phone speaker and my roommate sarah is like YO we’re going to chloe’s party tonight it’s gonna be SICK and i just had to like force another smile and say ‘oh fun’ but inside i was just like NOOOOOOOOOO like the biggest NO ever because the last thing i want to do is go to a crowded apartment where i have to make small talk with a bunch of people i barely know or dont know at all you know that feeling when you just want to crawl into bed and like not move for a week but you have to pretend to be a normal functioning human being and like socialize and be engaging and not just stare blankly at the wall while someone tells you about their philosophy class and how ‘deep’ it is i just want to like disappear into my comforter and not exist for a little while i have to write this stupid paper for art history and i have a shift again tomorrow morning at 9 and i just can’t with the people tonight like i physically cannot do it but if i say no sarah will be like ‘OMG you’re such a grandma’ or like ‘come on don’t be lame’ and then i’ll feel bad and go anyway and just like stand in a corner until i can make my escape it’s like you spend all day giving every little piece of yourself away to strangers and then you come home and your friends want the rest of it and there’s just like nothing left you know i think i’m just gonna like pretend to be asleep when she knocks on my door in like an hour i just need to not talk to anyone else for like at least a full 24 hours just me and my bed and like maybe a really bad reality tv show that requires zero brain power i just cant anymore with the holiday spirit and the forced cheer and the tiny little bells on the reindeer ornaments and the asking people if they want a gift receipt it’s just all too much sometimes it’s just too much