i really really need to get this off my chest because i just can't keep pretending anymore you know like i've been smiling all day and it's been this whole thing but i'm actually dying inside and i don't know who to tell because everyone thinks i love my job and i guess i do sometimes but oh my god not today not right now i just got home from an eight-hour shift at the holiday market and it was like literally a sea of people all day long everyone was like "can you find this" and "do you have this in a different size" and "oh my god i need five of these" and it's all so festive and twinkly but really it's just a lot of pressure to be super cheerful when you're just trying to make it to your break you know i kept thinking about how much i just wanted to sit down for like five minutes and just not talk to anyone for once and now i just wanna melt into my bed and disappear for like a week but my roommate just texted me like "hey we're gonna head over to jessica's party soon you coming" and i know she means well and it's supposed to be fun but all i can think is MORE PEOPLE more talking more smiling more pretending to be excited about everything when i'm just so drained is that like totally messed up i feel like i should want to go because it's the holidays and everyone's out having a good time but the thought of another crowded room with loud music and having to make small talk and answer questions about my classes or whatever it just makes me wanna cry a little bit like i can't even fake it anymore my face muscles are tired from smiling all day and now i have to do it again for fun i just don't have it in me i feel so guilty about it too because i know it's a party and people are gonna be like "where were you" or "why didn't you come" and i'll have to make up some excuse but honestly i just want to be alone with my fuzzy blanket and maybe watch some dumb show on netflix and not have to think about anything or anyone else is that so wrong to just want to be quiet and exist for a little while without having to PERFORM like i just can't do it tonight i really really can't