i mean i just got back from the funeral. someone’s funeral. not gonna get specific but like the whole thing was so... weird. raining, obviously. of course it was. and everyone’s crying, you know, the big snotty kind of crying, and i’m just standing there, holding an umbrella, watching it all like it’s a movie. a really bad indie film with terrible lighting and predictable dialogue. i kept thinking about that one scene in that play, where the actor just stands there, totally disconnected, even though everyone else is doing The Big Emotional Scene. that was me. 100%. and honestly, the worst part is i wasn't surprised. not even a little bit. i mean i knew it would be like this. for years i’ve just... been. just existing next to someone. not even sure when that started. it was a long time ago, that’s for sure. someone said something about a "great loss" and i almost snorted. like, what loss, exactly? the loss of an extra plate at dinner? the loss of someone else’s socks in the laundry? it felt so hollow. like they were talking about a character in a book i hadn’t read. everyone kept coming up to me, whispering things like "he’s in a better place" or "so sorry for your trouble" and i just kept nodding. smiling even. a little polite, empty smile. the kind you give when you’re trying to get past someone in the grocery store. i mean i wanted to say something real. something like, ‘you have no idea. this is just… nothing.’ but obviously you can’t. you just don’t. you stand there and you pretend. like we always do. it was just another performance, really. the final one. and now i'm home. the house is quiet. QUIETER. if that makes sense. no, it doesn’t. but it does. it’s just me now. i have a paper due next week for that ethics class, and i haven’t even started the reading. i keep thinking about that obscure footnote someone mentioned in class the other day. something about the performative aspects of grief. i mean i don't even — whatever. like the rain is still coming down outside. really hard. i guess i should make some tea. or maybe just stare at the ceiling for a while. yeah.