i feel like such a jerk sometimes like a fake almost i dunno i’m an elementary school teacher right been doin it for years like probably longer than some of my co-workers have been alive hah but i like it the little kids are great ya know they say the funniest stuff and like their little faces light up when they finally get something it's really cool but like i also want to be a principal i really do i see how things run and i think i could do a good job like make things better for the teachers and the kids like a real difference but i can’t say that to anyone at school not to the other teachers anyway especially the older ones the ones who’ve been there forever even longer than me like some of them are getting ready to retire and they just seem so content like they’ve seen it all and done it all and they just wanna chill till their time is up and i’m sitting there thinking about like what kind of school i’d wanna run and like all the changes i’d make and i just know they’d think i was being disrespectful or like i think i’m better than them or something like oh this young whippersnapper thinks she knows it all even tho i’m not even that young anymore my kids are grown and my mom keeps asking me if i’m gonna help her move her junk out of the attic so yeah not exactly a spring chicken but still i just get this feeling they’d look at me like i’m totally out of line and just trying to step over them to get somewhere and it’s not that at all i just wanna like do more contribute more you know but it’s like if i even hint at it they’ll just shut down or start talking about how hard it is to be an administrator and how it’s not all it’s cracked up to be like they’re trying to warn me off or something and then i just feel bad like i’m betraying them even though i’m not saying anything so i just keep my mouth shut and nod and smile and act like i’m totally happy just teaching first grade forever and ever amen and it sucks cause it feels like i’m lying to everyone including myself and then when i get home i’m like totally drained from all the pretending like i just wish i could be honest without feeling like i’m gonna get judged or like they’re gonna suddenly start treating me differently you know it’s so dumb to worry about it but i do i really do like what if they just think i’m a backstabber or something when all i want is to like make a bigger impact i guess i dunno it’s late i should probably stop typing this out right now like no one cares anyway