i swear im losing my mind i spend HOURS every day just staring at food labels like i’m doing some kind of advanced biochemistry thesis or something. gotta hit every single macro perfect. no bad fats no added sugar no nothing that could possibly even remotely maybe one day like three decades from now fuck up her brain development or whatever. it’s not even just food anymore it’s like... what if i didn’t read enough to her today? what if i accidentally showed her that one cartoon that has too much screen time even though it’s educational? this is all while trying to finish my own damn thesis on late capitalism and its discontents like my brain is just CONSTANTLY on overdrive analyzing everything everything everything. i just want to eat a damn frozen pizza without feeling like i'm poisoning her future or something and like what’s the point if im not doing it PERFECTLY. i see other moms on insta and they’re all sunshine and organic purees and i’m just over here googling "trace elements in breast milk vs formula cognitive outcomes longitudinal study" at 2am with my laptop light hurting my eyes. i’m so tired. i just want to sleep. but then i remember that one article about sleep deprivation in infants and how it impacts executive function and i'm like oh god what if i messed that up too because i was too tired to put her down for a nap at the EXACT right moment. it’s like this constant hum of ANXIETY that never ever stops. i feel like im failing her already and she’s not even a year old yet. my partner just tells me to relax but he doesn't GET it. he doesn't see all the studies all the warnings all the subtle ways you can screw up a kid from birth just by existing imperfectly. one wrong move and her whole life is just... lesser. im not even sure what im looking for here just needed to get this out cause im gonna burst. i just wanna scream sometimes. what if i never figure out how to be good enough. what if all this effort is still not enough. or worse—what if it’s too much—what if im stressing myself out so much that that’s what actually damages her. fuck. i don't know what to do.