i told him no and now i cant sleep its 214 am and i can hear the fridge humming in this stupidly quiet apartment that costs more than my parents house back in the suburbs. my phone is face down on the granite counter bc i know josh sent like 15 more messages that i dont want to read and i can see the blue light blinking in the dark like its taunting me. i literally just finished a 12 hour day dealing with impacted third molars and patients screaming about their copays and all i want is to not be the person everyone asks for things. im so tired i can feel my pulse in my literal fingernails but my brain wont stop looping the look on his face when we were kids and he fell off the swing set. he sent me a screenshot of the notice on his door at 8 tonight. $1240 for rent plus another $86.42 for the light bill which is so specific it makes me want to scream into a pillow. why is he like this. i sent him $500 in may and $300 in july and its never enough. he said leo doesnt have any diapers left and the landlord is a shark but i know he bought those new sneakers last week because i saw them on his story. i saw them. $299 for some nikes while his kid is in a wet diaper. the cognitive dissonance is actually making my teeth ache and i spent all day fixing other peoples teeth so it feels like a sick joke. i have the money in my savings. i could click three buttons on my chase app and it would be gone and he would be fine for another thirty days. i have exactly $14,203.11 in that account because i check it every morning like a ritual but i think about my own debt. i have nearly $300k from dental school sitting there like a mountain and he thinks just because i have a title and a white coat and a car that doesnt stall at red lights im some kind of endless ATM. i just typed back 'i cant help you this time josh' and he called me a heartless bitch and told me i forgot where i came from. my hands are still shaking while i type this. i remember when we were little and he used to hide my favorite books so i would stay and play with him and now hes hiding behind his own mess and using my nephew as a shield. i felt so cruel hitting send. like i’m a monster. who am i to sit here with my $4000 espresso machine while my own blood is getting evicted.