i dont even know why im writing this like who cares really right but its 2 am and my brain just wont shut up about it i was at the park today with the little one you know the usual pushing him on the swing chatting with the other parents about what organic juice boxes are actually worth it blah blah blah and i had this smile plastered on my face this totally effortless smile that probably looked like i had it all together like life was just a sun-drenched walk in the park for me every single day every day and my heart was POUNDING the whole time it was absolutely freaking out inside my chest like a trapped bird because we got another bill in the mail this morning the gas bill and it’s just sitting there on the counter with the electric and the water and the internet all of them and they’re all unpaid you know just sitting there looking at me and i pretend i haven't seen them i just put them in a neat pile and think about how i’ll handle it later but later never comes does it it just piles up this mountain of paper and i can feel the cold dread when i think about the gas being shut off when the water stops running when i can’t make dinner for the little one because the lights wont turn on what kind of dad cant even keep the lights on and im supposed to be this student now too right like i went back to school after everything and now im doing all these readings for my history seminar and thinking about the future and this essay that’s due and the student loans that are building up for a future that feels so far away so impossible when im just trying to keep the present from falling apart you know just trying to keep us warm keep us fed keep us connected every single day every day because i’m the one here im the one who’s home all day so i was there on the bench pretending to be fascinated by the wood chips under the slide while another dad was telling me about his new startup and i just kept nodding and smiling and saying things like "oh wow that's incredible" but all i could hear was the clock ticking on those bills like a bomb counting down in the quiet corners of my mind i can still hear it now loud and clear and i just keep thinking about how i’m going to make it stop how i’m going to make it all just go away. i dont know what to do. i just dont.