I think maybe I’m doing something really stupid and I can't tell anyone about it because it’s just so embarrassing. It’s almost 3am and I’m just staring at my phone screen feeling like a total loser... I save up every single cent I get from my part-time job at the craft store and from selling little sketches on the side. It isn’t much money, honestly, but it’s mine. But every couple weeks my sister—she’s 21, so way older than me—comes into my room crying because her phone is gonna get cut off or she’s behind on her car payment again. And I just... I give it to her. I give her almost everything I have. I don't really know why I do it, maybe I’m just scared of her being mad at me. She doesn't even try to find work, she says she’s "waiting for the right energy" or whatever but she’s mostly just out with her friends spending money she doesn't have. She looks at me like I'm some kind of little kid who doesn't understand how the world works. The worst part was yesterday, I saw her at the park with her friends and I was wearing my old beat-up shoes because I can't afford the new ones I wanted, and she actually pointed at me. She told her friends I was "the family miser" and that I'm obsessed with money like a little old man. It hurt so much. They all laughed and I just stood there holding my sketchbook feeling like literal trash. I really needed that money for some new linoleum blocks and some good ink for my art class. I’ve been wanting to try printmaking for like a year now and I finally had enough saved up. But she told me she’d get kicked out of her place if I didn't help her with the 150 dollars she was short on. So I gave it to her, like an idiot. Then I saw on her snapchat later that night she was at this fancy place getting sushi and drinks with those same friends. I feel so sick thinking about it... my hands are actually shaking while I type this because I feel so used. My parents think I'm just "good at saving" and they're always telling me how proud they are that I'm so responsible for a teenager. If they knew I was basically paying her bills while she treats me like a joke... I don't think they'd even believe me. She’s always been the one everyone looks at. She’s loud and cool and I’m just the quiet brother in the corner drawing weird stuff. I feel like if I ever stopped giving her the money she’d tell everyone I’m a freak or she’d stop talking to me forever. It's getting really hard to even want to draw lately. Every time I pick up a pencil I just think about how many hours I had to work to buy it and how she just throws it all away on nothing. I'm supposed to be the creative one but I feel more like a machine or something. I hate that I care what she thinks. I hate that I want her to like me so much that I'd let myself go without stuff I actually need just so she can keep pretending she’s got her life together to her friends. I just wanted to say it out loud i guess. Or type it. My room is really dark and I can hear her TV through the wall and I just... I wish I was different. I wish I could just say no one time. I’m looking at my bank balance and it’s basically zero again and I just feel so small and tired.