am i the only one who gets exactly what they wanted and then just wants to like... throw up? its 2 in the morning and im staring at this stupid paper on my desk and the light from my phone is making my eyes hurt but i cant stop looking at it. its a partnership contract. like the big one. the one everyone says you gotta get if you want to be someone. but i just feel like i swallowed a rock or something. i should be happy but im just sitting here in the dark feeling like a total fake. i been doing this since i was like 13 or 14 just building and designing and taking every single gig i could find on those sites where you dont even use your real name because im technically too young. its been years of this. years of staying up until my eyes bleed while my mom thinks im doing homework or sleeping. i did so much overtime for this firm. literally like 80 hours a week sometimes while still trying to finish high school. i forgot what it feels like to just like... go outside? i dont even know what my hobbies are anymore besides drawing lines and staring at grids. reasons why i should be happy but im actually dying inside: 1. the money is more than my dad makes in a year 2. the firm name is the biggest in the industry and everyone knows it 3. they told me i was a prodigy and they never offer senior partnership to anyone this young 4. i can finally stop worrying about where the next job is coming from or if the client will pay 5. everyone else would kill for this and i feel like a brat for hating it 6. i worked so hard for this i literally forgot how to talk to people my own age when the boss emailed the final draft over he was all like CONGRATS and YOU EARNED THIS and i just stared at the screen. i didnt even smile. i just went to the kitchen and ate some dry cereal in the dark and felt like i was watching a movie of someone else's life. it says SENIOR ARCHITECT on the top. i am 17. i should be excited right? i should be like posting it or telling my friends but i dont really have friends anymore because i was always "too busy" or "working on a deadline" and now i have this paper and nobody to even text about it. i remember this one night last month when i was finishing the blueprints for the downtown project. i hadnt slept in like 40 hours and my heart was doing this weird fluttery thing because of all the monsters i drank. i was crying but like quietly so my parents wouldnt hear through the wall. i kept thinking if i just get to the partnership itll all be okay. itll be worth it. i thought the pride would just like... fill me up? but now the paper is here and my heart is still doing that weird thing and i just feel empty. anyone else feel like they traded their whole soul for a piece of paper? like i look at my desk and its just: - empty cans - crumbs - drawings i dont even like anymore - a contract that feels like a prison sentence - my phone with 0 texts from people my own age - a bunch of blue light and shadows i tried to tell my mom tonight but i couldnt do it. she thinks im just a "smart kid" who does "computer stuff" and shes so proud that im helping with the mortgage and the bills. if i tell her i dont want it she'll think im crazy or ungrateful. she'll ask why i worked so hard if i didnt want the prize at the end. and i dont have an answer. i just want to sleep for like a year. or forever. i feel like i am already dead and the partnership is just the headstone. is it normal to feel like a ghost? like im just a ghost in a hoodie sitting in a nice chair. i look at the lines i drew on the blueprints and they look like bars. i did all that overtime for people who dont even know my favorite color or that i like skating or that i hate coffee but drink it anyway to stay awake. i gave them everything and they gave me a "promotion" which just means more work and more responsibility and more staying in this room. i just keep thinking about how i dont have health insurance or anything since its still technically a freelance deal just with a fancy title and if i get sick im just done. the "hustle" is just a lie we tell ourselves so we dont admit we're tired. im so TIRED.