I’ve been retired for six months now, and you’d think I’d be… well, happier. Or at least less prone to these 2 AM thoughts that just spin and spin. All those years, defining myself by what I *did*, by the office, the projects, the sense of importance. Now it’s just… quiet. And in that quiet, these old feelings, the ones I kept pushed down with all the busyness, they’re really starting to make themselves known. It’s not a pleasant feeling, this emptiness, this sense of having lost my footing. And it brings me to that one thing, the thing I feel so… guilty about. My mother, bless her heart, she’s getting on in years. Needs a lot of looking after these days, especially with all the doctor's visits. And who do you think takes her? Always me. Without fail. My siblings, they’re doing so well, you see. Very successful, very busy. One lives in that big house on the water, the other travels constantly for his work, always jet-setting. They send cards, nice gifts, sure, but when it comes to the actual *doing*, the sitting in waiting rooms, the remembering which pill is which… that always falls to me. And I’ve let it. For years. I just… took on that burden. And the thing is, I resent it. Deeply. But I also… I don’t know. I feel like if I hadn’t, if I didn't step up, who would have? No one, probably. And I couldn’t let that happen. But now, with all this time on my hands, with my own kids grown and out of the house, with that divorce still an ache in my chest… I look back and I see all these sacrifices, these things I just *did*, and I wonder… what was it all for? What did I get out of it, really? And why couldn’t I have just said no, just once, to someone else who had so much more than me, who could have easily hired someone or taken a few hours out of their VERY IMPORTANT schedules. I feel like I've cheated myself, somehow. And now it’s too late to change any of it. The pattern is set, the expectations are there. It’s just… how it is. And I can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong, letting it get this far. But I don't know what I could have done differently. I just don't know.